What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate. (Mark 10:9)
The past two Sundays, we have walked into the minefield that is the subject of marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Our series through the book of Mark brought us to chapter 10, and Jesus’ “explosive” teaching on this highly sensitive subject.
As I said in our look at the passage in Mark 10:1-12, what makes the subject so hard to talk about is, for one thing, the large number of people who have experienced divorce, and the enormous amount of hurt those individuals have had to endure. Most of us don’t like talking about things that have caused us pain. Because, well, it’s painful.
And, for another thing, talking about the subject of marriage, divorce, and remarriage is difficult because of our culture’s removal of all restraints regarding marriage, divorce, and remarriage. In other words, the culture’s approach is, “Marry whoever you want. Divorce whenever you want. Remarry anytime you want. The Bible is an antiquated old book whose time has come and gone. It’s time for us to live our own truth.” Tragically, that is our culture’s view.
But, for those of us who seek our wisdom from an unchanging God instead of an unstable culture; for those of us who see the word of God as not antiquated, but instead, …active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. (Hebrews 4:12)
For those of us who still believe, Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path, (Psalm 119:105 NLT) we see the value in letting His word light the way, as we make our way through this minefield that is the subject of marriage, divorce, and remarriage.
That is what I prayerfully attempted to do the last couple of Sundays. As I pointed out then, the only two biblical justifications for divorce and remarriage are, adultery and abandonment. However, I had no less than three different individuals approach me within the first 30 minutes after this past Sunday’s service to ask me a question that I knew many of you were already thinking – “But, what about spousal abuse? Wouldn’t that be grounds for divorce as well?”
The short and probably unpopular answer is, “No.” Spousal abuse or domestic violence is not a biblical grounds for divorce. Not because spousal abuse isn’t wrong, it clearly is. And, not because God expects the abused spouse to “Just take it.” He absolutely does not. No, the reason that spousal abuse is not a biblical grounds for divorce is simply because it’s not listed as one in the Bible.
Now, some people want to include spousal abuse with the Apostle Paul’s allowance for divorce as a result of abandonment, found in 1 Corinthians 7. But, the context of 1 Corinthians 7 is clearly an unbelieving spouse who deserts a believing spouse, precisely because they have become a follower of Jesus. The unbelieving spouse then walks out the door or forces the believer out the door. There isn’t even a hint of any type of abuse being a factor.
So, we may want to try to fit it into a passage in order to give a biblical justification for divorcing a spouse who is clearly out of the will of God by their actions, but we have to be true to the text. We have to take the text in its context, and not bring our pretext into the interpretation of the text.
Okay, but if a spouse, and it would almost always be the wife, finds herself in a situation of domestic abuse, what would God expect of her? In other words, what would be her biblical path? Is she required to stay in that abusive home; experiencing pain and suffering, and placing her life in danger? Should she, as I mentioned earlier, “Just take it?”
Again, the short answer is, “No, absolutely not.” Certainly, defending oneself is a biblical concept. There are multiple passages that speak to that truth, but one should suffice. Jesus, in Luke 22, counsels His disciples that if they don’t own a sword they’d better sell their cloak and go buy one. I doubt if the sword was for opening a can of beans around the campfire. Defending yourself, your family, is biblical.
But, at the same time, we are counseled multiple times in scripture to, Pursue peace. (Psalm 34:14, Romans 14:19, 2 Timothy 2:22, Hebrews 12:14, 1 Peter 3:11) Obviously, a home where violence occurs against someone makes it pretty difficult for them to “pursue peace.” So, again, what is the abused spouse to do? First:
Get Away – Now, I didn’t say file for divorce. But, get out of that home. Get away from a situation where your life is in danger. As far as I can discern from scripture, there would be no expectation on God’s part that a wife put her life in danger by staying with a husband who has demonstrated, or articulated, his intention to bring harm to his wife. Second:
Start to Pray – Truthfully, most people in a situation like that are already praying. But, pray like you’ve never prayed before. You have to pray for God’s wisdom and discernment. Pray for God’s protection and provision for you. Pray for your spouse to be radically changed by the power of the Gospel. Bathe the situation in continual prayer until you see a resolution. And, finally:
Plan to Stay – “Wait, I thought you said, get away?” Get away from the danger, absolutely. Get out of the home, sure. Get a restraining order, yes. Get a Glock, maybe. I’m sorry. I’m not advocating violence and I’m not making light of what is a very serious situation. Get out of the home, but plan to stay in your marriage and wait for God to do what God does. In other words, give God the chance to work in the situation. Give God an opportunity to bring your spouse to brokenness and repentance. He can still do that, you know.
The problem is, we get impatient. We want to get on with our lives. Well-meaning friends and loved ones tell us that it’s time to move on, and they say things like, “You deserve better than him.” Well, of course you do. No spouse deserves to suffer at the hands of anyone, but especially not someone who took an oath to “love, honor, and cherish” them.
“But, what if it takes years?” Then it takes years. “What if they never change?” Then they never change, and you have to live apart from them in order to remain safe, or until they dissolve the marriage. “Are you kidding me? Pastor, you’ve lost your mind! Do you know how hard that would be?”
Listen, nowhere in His word does God say that following Him, in this world, is easy. If you want easy, go buy a La-Z-Boy. If you want to follow Jesus, then heed His call: If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. (Luke 9:23b)
Maybe this is not easy to hear. And, maybe some of you will be mad at me. But, God is still God, and His word is still His word. There is no maybe in that. Marriage is too precious, and divorce is too painful to do anything other than seek the wisdom and power of God for our lives.
I love being your Pastor,
PC